Metro Monthly

By Karen Chambers
Special to the Metro Monthly

J.O.B. – (pronounced j’aw’b) – variously known as – career; work; 9-5; burden; shackles; pain in the rear; necessary evil; ohmygawshe it’s Monday already?)

There are a number of ways to go about getting the J.O.B., but there are a few standards that remain throughout. Unless mom or dad owns the place to which you are applying, some measure of effort is required to accomplish the task. If you own, or would like to own anything at all, chances are you will require employment from which to earn the funds, to pay for the luxuries in life – like food and water.
This is a self help sort of article. Quite a necessary one given that there are too many people out there with the wrong sorts of notions on how to snare the reclusive, elusive but requisite J.O.B.

Before setting out to capture the J.O.B., you should check on a few things. For the purposes of this scenario, let us say your name is Brunhilda or Archimedes (very popular names these days) and you are seeking a clerical position.

Do you have what it takes? – Find out if you have the skills to do the job you wish to obtain. Nothing looks more poorly on you than to be given the job of typing and it turns out that you’ve never seen a keyboard before this morning. If you cannot do something, get the skills, take the classes and learn it! Do not lie on your resume! It almost always comes back to bite you in the assets!

Can you spell? – There are 26 letters in the modern English alphabet. It would be useful to familiarize yourself with them all – do not play favourites (that was spelled the British way. It is not an error). Learn how letters interact. Do not depend on your computer’s spell check – it may lead you astray. Just because it is spelled correctly, does not mean it makes sense. For example, there is a HUGE difference between “I do not wish to be disturbed today” and “Eye do knot wish two bee distributed to day.”

Here’s an idea. Why not read a book or two or 50? These days reading seems to be frowned upon but reading assists with enlarging your vocabulary and widening your grasp of context and sentence structure. Reading the manuals for your cell phone or Ipod do not count because we all know those were written by visiting aliens from the planet Alpha Dyslexicon.

Side note: texting does not help you spell. If your new boss asks you to send a letter to the president of Sepia Paper Co., requesting an appointment, you ought not to write: Hi r u free 2 meet luv b
Do your research! – You’ve just spotted your dream J.O.B. in the newspaper or on Monster.com and you want it badly. You send off your resume. While you’re waiting for them to call you and offer you $75 million per week to be their filing clerk, DO YOUR RESEARCH!

Find out what the company makes or sells; how big are they; how long have they been around? Why? It’s a nicety that is too often overlooked. During your interview, it would be impressive if your prospective employer saw that you had done your homework and made preparations. You already knew that Acme Widget Co. made gizmos not widgets. You knew that Gwendolyn Widget founded the company in 1928 and is still alive today serving on the board of directors at age 130. Her hobbies are drag racing and rugby.

Lay the J.O.B. trap. – You’ve sent out your resume on good paper with spelling checked within an inch of its life and now you wait. Why not adjust your answering machine’s outgoing message? Miss Persnickity VanSnobsky who works for Acme Widget Co. as the human resources goddess may be calling you at any moment. Would it really be a neat idea to have your welcome message playing the theme song from the movie “I Killed My Boss” with you in the background yelling “I pity da fool who called me so early! Iz only 11a.m. you b*****”?

Perhaps something more sedate might be wise? It does not have to be fancy, be yourself but keep it simple. “Hi this is Brunhilda, I’m not available. Please leave a message and I will get back to you shortly.” Miss VanSnobsky cannot fault you and will indeed leave a message for you to call her back.

Woohoo!! You’ve got a call! – One cannot stress enough how important it is to do everything in your power to accept the interview at the time offered to you. Most potential employers are prepared to work around your current work schedule but refusing each appointment time offered and suggesting one next March at midnight might not be a good idea.

The night before your appointment, prepare fresh clothes, print off a fresh resume (make sure it’s the right resume! Good gracious it wouldn’t do to show up with one that is nothing like what you originally sent in!) Get proper rest and focus on the upcoming task. Do not stress out on it, relax and put your best foot forward.
Next month – Miss VanSnobsky called.